i.
before I'm 30
I want to die
to be buried
Jewish
even with the decorations
& bodily equations
laid out over my skin
like tapestries of
thought
to have "Edge" read
by a woman who leapt
over the edge of sanity
first
but held out her hand
to help me across the
greatest divide
to leave my body
to the science of
nature
& all the crows that
followed me from
home to home,
never asking why.
ii.
before I'm 30
I want to not die
to lick the condensation
from the window
of my life
& see the world clearly
for the first time,
to be reborn
to hear a song
that tastes better than
a cigarette
& all the time I'v
Lying on the mouthblood rug
Queenie listens for daybreak.
Combs with her finger a splice through the brimming fishbowl
Which she placed beside herself at some point in the night.
She wonders what prompts her to see hidden in the black mane of a horse
What she loves the most,
What lifts her face in the careful dark toward rifts
Rather than forms.
To listen for something half-sorrowful, half-light.
She does not know.
The empty window prefaces a fir
In a place that contains things fated to entangle
Before they fall away.
In a fever dream, black dooms descending
He lies rapt in stupor.
The windows tilt from his halo, the dry
heat ticking, each death rattle measures light into
reflections- form a periscope. One eye is all
that is needed to see. People
stutter along streets, gloom draped. Voices
soften and stretch, heard through memory and dreaming-
one hundred shadowy watchers meld to tarmac. Only one enters.
Yard lights convulse, scald twilit moments, birds
settling on flares. He blinks,
old as time- skin a coral of waxes, leather from his own glow. Eyes,
molten yolks still glimmer beneath lids, fat sunken. She watches,
notes of orange blossom
1.
Even now it's a long sickness,
deep swamps, the filling
of empty space with mud.
Day after day, this. The body's
welling gravity.
2.
How strange to dig
fingers into the sand and feel
the ocean's rough pulse.
Into the flesh as well,
the ocean there.
Little more than the buzz of nerves.
I know this. I know this. It seems
too much to know.
1b.
Nothing eases it. You can't say
here is the end, here
the beginning, touch it. Pull it to you.
Listen, it sounds
like a hurt animal.
You can only bend at the waist,
choke.
Feel the heavy cringe
in each cell.
2b.
My heart wants to
be shot of itself but
simple things upse
on the roof
simpering with
the pigeons
i throw
sheen after sheen
from buckets of paint;
you do all
the work
getting
in the
way.
awnings
spattered
like lips
with the color
of kisses
shiver
and move.
and listen
to this:
the birds
open their mouths
in the rain
spread one wing
then another
and lean out
and over--
the river
opens
onto salt
as the moon
blooms
like a coin
in a fist;
lovers
part lips
while
friends
part ways.
the bartender
peels a lime;
the doorman
pulls at the door
while the waitress
clears the table.
i open
a window,
you open
your eyes:
work
is making space.
here and
i have
Feverish, from cheek to bark.
You were a blazing willow tree,
an act of arson, heartwood on fire
boughs bright with Sahara heat.
You were all but gone, stretching up to meet a
birdless sky. There was no way to sate the scissoring flame and
no way to please you.